The Quiet but True Heroism of a Strong Role Model That Is You

Superheroes are iconic. But there’s another kind of heroism that’s far less talked about.

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A hero is an icon found across all cultures. The hero is traditionally shown as strong, masculine, confident, and irresistible. From a very early age, most men are culturally indoctrinated to aspire to become this hero. We seek out superheroes to give us direction and purpose. We seek out villains and nemeses to shape us and validate our masculinity.

Heroism, however, like many other tools of the mind, can also be misused. Infantile heroism can drive deep idealizations of the self with false claims, “should haves”, and ultimately alienation from reality altogether.

If we are to believe the movies, a hero is someone with superhuman capabilities, pre-ordained to save the day over and over again. Then, as their reward, they get the pretty girls and ride off into the sunset.

This type of heroism is more than just silly; it’s damaging. This role of the hero presents a male role model that is mostly invulnerable, infinitely powerful, perfect, aloof, and distant from society.

Yet there is another kind of heroism far less talked about. The true and quiet heroism that creates value in a man’s life day in and day out without the need for accolades, recognition, and validation.

The reward for these heroes is not external. The reward is a sense of self-confidence built on solid foundations of tested beliefs and supporting actions.

Heroism

Heroism, to me, is defined as doing everything it takes to become happy. Being happy requires effort, pain, rationality, acceptance, vulnerability, and the ability to do nothing less than picking oneself up. The people who have become content in their lives are the true heroes in my book. This is also the heroism that I hope to develop in myself to become a model to myself and others, especially my children.

Below are the arenas where this heroism manifests itself:

Redemption

We have all made mistakes in life, large and small. Yet some mistakes seem to be too large for us to fix. In these times, a man confronts his helplessness. He might be overwhelmed with so much shame and guilt he is reduced to the fetal position. He feels like a child who is disappointing his parents once again. However, if a man can see the biggest mistakes in life as a gift for him to embrace and overcome with strength and responsibility, how can he not be a hero to himself?

So many superhero stories attempt to capture this rising back to one’s feet after a fall from grace. This is art imitating life. But it imitates poorly. The imitation doesn’t show the quiet fortitude of working everyday with the goal of redemption in one’s mind. Is it exciting to watch someone tirelessly repeat the same action over and over? Yet this is what is required for a man to solidify his resolve to become content with who he really is.

Forgiveness

If forgetting is repression, then forgiving is the full acceptance of the actions, consequences, and beliefs that caused the harmful actions. Self-contempt and self-condemnation is built so strongly into each of us, it takes tremendous mental skill and willingness to break these mechanisms. Those who have managed to do so possess almost unlimited personal power. They understand, forgive, and let go of the mental hold past harmful actions of their own, or others, have on them.

Immense personal strength is needed to understand the intentions and circumstances of yourself and others who may have wronged you. They were trying to be happy, and so were you. We all lacked awareness of the correct processes required to bring about effective and righteous actions every single time.

We all learn through mistakes, and we can only do so if we look past the painful shame mistakes cause to others and us. With so many layers of media, religion, and culture pumping toxic shame into our minds, a person who is willing to claw past all those layers and become aware of their own and others’ intentions must be some sort of hero.

Living with Purpose and Value

Anybody can say they have some form of purpose in life. Purpose like going to work, waiting for the weekend, or seeking entertainment. That might be a life fulfilled to some men. Compare this to the lives of, say, Charles Darwin or Isaac Newton, though, and see how wasteful this can be. These men didn’t magically find their callings. They had to toil for years in loneliness and isolation. They had to overcome pressures of society to give up their purposes for vocational occupations.

A hero needs to develop a sense of purpose in himself and transform his most menial tasks to his life’s task. As I sit and write these words, I am a hero in my own life. The truth of the matter is very few might read what I write, but that doesn’t seem to matter much right now. Writing is my purpose, a way to discover and develop being a good role model for myself. This is my true objective.

So it is with you. How will you use purpose to become who you’ve always wanted to be? You don’t have to save the world. You just have to harness your limited time on earth.

Compassion for Self

As Karen Horney said in her book, “Neurosis and Human Growth,” many people in the world live with compassion for others, yet very few actually have compassion for themselves. Specifically, I’m referring to the compassion for the inner child that has internalized all of their parents’ fears and beliefs. Self-compassion is actually the stronger form of compassion, and it is the root of all true altruism. In “Beyond Success and Failure,” Willard and Marguerite Beecher preached of agápe, which is Greek for the type of love that is given without the expectation of anything in return. Agápe starts from within. A person who loves with agápe (as opposed to eros, or selfish needy love) must have a strong conviction of inner value and worth.

We want to see these values reflected in the world we live in, not to capture and consume values from others. These values grow out of the compassion for self as a man struggles to self-actualize through trial and error. The errors will and must happen. Then, self-compassion can kick in to propel you beyond your mistakes to long-term personal growth.

Responsibility

Responsibility demands the constant questioning of what is actually in one’s control, and what isn’t. Taking responsibility for something you don’t have control over is just as bad as not taking responsibility for something you have.

We can all do a bit more, be a bit more mindful, and care for our own values more effectively. This desire deepens one’s understanding of actions and consequences and gives an everyday hero his true superhuman capabilities.

The person who looks deeper into what he can do better, more efficiently and effectively, suddenly has increasing personal power to shape the reality around him. As it turns out, responsibility is the greatest super power that any man can have.

Closing

There are limitations to the imagination. We can all dream of alternate realities in which we are all heroes of some form or another. These realities seem so seductive. We’ve all been brought up to worship heroes to the point we seem to do it automatically.

However, it’s only when we submit to our own reality and face the true hero in each of us that we start to enjoy all that life has to offer. This type of heroism might not be as instantaneous, impressive, or exciting. Only this type of heroism ultimately opens the door to true self-confidence, deep intimacy, and lasting constant personal power.

This type of heroism cannot be seduced or reduced. It is self-rewarding and self-validating. As Henry David Thoreau said:

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their song still in them.”

I dare to say that the rest of men, while few, live lives of quiet heroism having sung their songs as loud as they can, even if only to an audience of one.

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Photo: Darinka Maja, Flickr

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